By Henrylito D. Tacio
MARRIAGE is one state of life that so scares some people that they either remain single, embrace the religious life, or just live-in.
For the past two decades or so, living-in has become quite a trend – not only abroad, but right here as well. Movie stars take the lead in this practice, moving into each other’s resi­dence and moving out after a time, when they discover that they don’t really see eye-to-eye. Other liberated men and women shed off partners like clothes that gave gone out of fashion.
Majority of Filipinos, however, still toe the traditional line and get married in church, with or without the assurance that “they will live happily ever after.”
But before probing deeper, just what is marriage? The Family Code of the Philippines defines, among other things, what marriage is. Article 1 of the Executive Order No. 209 states: “Marriage is a special contract of permanent union between man and woman, entered into in accordance with law for the establish­ment of conjugal and family life” (Italics supplied).
Marriage in the Church, however, takes on not only a con­tract but also a sacrament. And the purpose of marriage is two-fold, namely: (1) mutual happiness of the spouses and (2) pro-creation of children.
In the book, Better Than Gold, which is edited by Clinton T. Howell, singer Roberta Flack said: “Getting married is easy. Staying married is more difficult. Staying happily married for a lifetime should rank among the fine arts.”
How true, how true! So one wonders: Why some marriages succeed and others fail? Here are some secrets for a happy marriage, culled from different sources:
h Develop a mature concept of love. “For too many, love is a breathless romantic glow in which they expect to have emotional needs gratified,” says Rev. Norman Vincent Peale, author of Dynamic Imagining. “Some people are little more than receiving stations for this kind of supportive attention.”
This is not love actually, according to Rev. Peale, but rather dependency. He explains: “It’s a feeling that can change as moods change – and if the feeling vanishes, even temporarily; it’s easy to decide that love has ended.”
Rev. Peale points out that in mature love, the beloved’s welfare and happiness become more important than your own. As someone once said, “Real love is the accurate estimate and supply of another’s needs.”
h Work on communication constantly. A couple of years ago, a journalist asked Hollywood actor Alan Alda why his marriage to Arlene Weiss has survived through the years. He gave only one formula: talking.
“We love to talk,” the actor says. “When we go out to big dinners, the two of us very often wind up talking to each other with intense interest.”
Take a cue from this famous couple. “Set aside a specific time, perhaps early in the morning, perhaps before going to bed, to talk about plans and problems, grievances or misunderstand­ings, any aspect of living together,” says Rev. Peale. By doing this, difficulties can be dealt when they are still molehills, not mountains. “Once the habit of sharing things verbally is established, the marriage becomes much more resistant to stresses and strains.”
h Cultivate humility. “Love does not insist on its own way,” says the Holy Bible. Having to be right all the time may be due to a fear of losing control, but if you can never be wrong, you cannot sustain love.
From the award-winning film Love Story comes this line: “Love is never having to say, ‘I’m sorry.’” That statement, according to Shirley R. Wilson in an article, may be sweet but worthless. “If I hold such high expectations of myself so that I won’t have to say, ‘I’m sorry,’ to my partner, then when I inevitably fail and do offend, I have to deal with both failure and pride. Saying ‘I’m sorry’ after that is hard.”
Wilson continues, “If I know that I will offend – even though I don’t want to – and that I can ask forgiveness and give forgiveness – then I can relax in my relationship with my spouse.” Got that?
h Learn to laugh. “You may have to learn how and when to laugh; you may have to take steps to develop a sense of humor and keep it finely tuned,” advises Dr. Sol Gordon, a noted American marriage counselor.
If daily life always were a series of leaps from crisis to crisis, laughter admittedly wouldn’t be very practical, he says. “But, thank goodness, there are very few real catastrophes in life,” he points out. “Yet many couples spend far too much time and energy acting as though disaster had struck or is about to.”
Dr. Gordon, therefore, suggests that couple should practice laughing together. “Start by trying to find something funny in a situation that on the surface doesn’t look funny,” he says. That may sound hard in the beginning.
h Take responsibility. Marriage is going to be what you and one other person make it. Face up to the fact that in any disagreement, you are not going to change your partner very much. The only person you can really change is yourself.
There was this wife who stopped nagging about her husband’s drinking habits. Instead, she prayed for him that he would quit drinking. “I’ve found patience,” she revealed. “And someday I think he will change.”
It may not be now but it may be soon. As one sage puts it: “Prayer doesn’t necessarily change things for you, but it changes you for things.”
h Add a portion of tolerance. “Love is found by those who can live with human nature as it is,” someone once said. According to Alan Lon McGinnis, author of The Romance Factor, those who enjoy relationships seems to be those who can relax with the frailties of the people they love.
When he was still alive and was asked by a reporter about his long marriage to award-winning actress Joanne Woodward, Paul Newman replied: “You can’t get impatient with each other. We are all flawed, and you’ve got to love each other enough so that those flaws aren’t taken out of context.”
“There isn’t one of us who doesn’t occasionally fail to measure up,” says Dr. Gordon. “We drink too much, spend too much, judge too quickly. We snap at each other, criticize unfairly. We make jokes at another’s expense. We behave in very silly ways, sometimes as a couple, sometimes alone. This is simply being human, and there is nothing wrong with it – as long as we don’t forget that our partner is human, too.”
“Some of the best marriages I know,” reveals McGinnis, “are composed of two people who are very different, often with strik­ing idiosyncrasies – but who are tolerant of each other and adjust to, or overlook, the irritants.”
h Practice the art of appreciation. Everybody cherishes a word of praise. Why not master the art of the casual compliment, the little unforeseen gesture that says, “I think you’re wonderful just the way you are”?
Famous novelist Arnold Bennett remarked that it seemed to him marriage nearly always resulted in the death of politeness between husband and wife. That doesn’t have to be the case. “Try complimenting your mate just once a day,” suggests Dr. Peale. “The resulting rush of affection will surprise you.”
h Learn how to defer gratification. This is a combination of self-control and patience. “Both marriage partners,” Rev. Peale explains, “have to be willing to forgo immediate pleasures in order to obtain greater benefits in the future.”
Rev. Peale says that failure to do this may wreck the mar­riage. “Some people cannot bring themselves to save money or make long-range plans,” he notes. “They’re too interested in having their pleasure or their recreation right now.”
If only quarreling couples would defer gratification for a few weeks or months, he says, they might learn that difficulties can trigger growth. “They might realize that escaping out the back door of marriage is not likely to change their basic problems. Those problems will probably go right along with them into a new relationship.”
Now, who’s afraid of marriage? — ###